Issue 10

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FLOODY HELL!

Bible fanatic Simon Holman’s plan of building a giant ark, to house two of every insect, looks to be doomed as the dimensions of it have spiraled out of control. It seems he didn’t realize that there were so many different types of insect. He told us, ‘I had planned on an average of one square foot of space per species pair, but on checking encyclopedias I have worked out that my ark would have to be over 12 miles long. Not only that, it would have to be 12 miles wide and 12 mile high to accommodate the total number of insects and that’s just not feasible. To build it would not only decimate several rain forests but also the thought that if I was the only one to survive the next great flood, then spending my remaining years with every insect known to man would not be particularly pleasant.

SHRINK RAPPED

I’VE GOT A COCK LIKE A BADGER!

GRECIAN EARN

Therapist Jon Dimson of Narberth, has been inundated with abusive calls lately due to a misprint in a local news paper. He explained, ‘I placed my advert in the newspaper and was told that it was to be cut down due to space restrictions but that they would edit it for no extra charge. But the end result was completely different to what I had anticipated. I had explained that I wanted people to know that I was a qualified therapist and that I would be holding regular communal debates on important issues and filming ourselves, for later discussion. I also said that I counsel psychiatric patients to help them rejoin the community. I have included the end result advertisement for re-print.’

The introduction of compulsory cheese-handles in all restaurants is set to make Ernie Greco a millionaire. He started building them for personal use but saw the potential of a wider use when he visited Alfie Holmes’ Cafe in Johnston. He said, ‘The last thing anyone wants, is to have their cheese meal spoilt by gack left by some disinterested waitress after picking at her fetid bum-hole. My cheese-handles will revolutionize cheese hygiene in a way never dreamed possible.’

Marcus Bunce has informed us that the black cockerel he had bought for his farm has a white streak running down its back making it resemble a badger. He said, ‘It may have been a funnier headline if I’d told you earlier that I also dress my penis up as a fingerbob mouse and force the cat to attack it.’